Monday, February 23, 2015

Why?

Why do I despair like a fish gasping for water. Why do I converge to the same self reproach. Why do I always thirst and not drink. Have I become a slave to this world. Every day I wake up. Everyday I wake up later than I am supposed to. Why can i not end my sleep when i want to. I do not know.

Why do i feel lousy and useless? With every passing hour I count my moments and yet do nothing about it. Why do i not act even when i know the impending doom is avertable. Does the knowledge of my potential stop me. I think not. Every day I set a target to achieve and yet every day i fail. Why do i lack so much in will?

Is it my beliefs which guide me? Have i become what i have wanted to? Do i even know what i want to become? The only things that give me pleasure are things where I am absolute. Places where people cannot compete with me are places I am happy in. Why do i feel scared of competition? Is it really competition that i fear or the ugly head of failure that scares me? Is there no hope for me? Why do i spend my days promising action and nights dreaming of willpower. Why do i not simply act?

Why do i follow populist trends?Why do i not have an identity. Why can i not think independently and why still do i crave for worthless junk? Wht can i not live simpy and work hard? Why can i not believe in god? Why do i feel disconnected from society and why still do i not feel anything? Why do i feel shy of girls and why still do i dream of boxing? Is there no hope for me? Why can i not do what i love? Yet mildly love what is being done by me? Why can i not sacrifice?

Why is solitude so appealing and why is society so repelling for me? Why still do i write this blog even while wishing nobody reads? What will i do in the future and what will i be? Why do i lack the courage to take the path less trodden? Why do i find myself questioning those who obviously know more than me? Why do i study at all when the problems i solve are trivial? Then again if i dont study i might not be solving anything at all. Why do i have to do anything at all? Then again why do i feel disgusted while doing nothing at all. Why o why do people live life so easily? Why o why can i not do the same? Why is it so difficult for me to accept mediocracy? Even when the mediocracy is above me? When shall i know what to do with my life? So easily said "Find your passion". When and where shall i find it? There is no passion for me as i fall away at the first storm. Why do i run away from work? Why do i not enjoy the sweet pain of training?

Is it normal to have so many questions? Is it normal to answer none? Is it normal to want to be normal? Or is it a pain to be one?